Your Royalty In Chaos

Everybody has his own weakness and nobody is perfect. With that in mind, I have somehow managed to accept my human flaws and imperfections.   I know that it is indeed normal to commit mistakes, but there is a certain limitation to everything. No matter how hard you try, there will be no more chances and the only thing that I can do is to accept the reality and that I also need to come up with a major decision.

Just before the schoolyear begins, there were students who already judged me, but I took it as joke.  You can see their reactions here.  I didn’t mind that because I was overwhelmed by the responses of my former students and I felt appreciated by them though I am known to be a strict teacher.  My former advisory class 10-Masikap also made me feel that I am special to them and they accepted me wholeheartedly though I failed to become a perfect adviser to them.  One of my memorable moment is this– I was speechless, but I felt their sincerity and their love.  Though I was experiencing pain at that time, I still felt my worth as an educator, and I was firm to my decision that I will finish the end of the schoolyear.

As time goes by, I feel so empty that I didn’t feel my worth as an educator.  I failed to inspire my students and I didn’t feel the excitement that they have when I enter the class.  I failed to motivate them to dream to become better individuals.  I failed to deliver lessons that captivate their attention and hearts.  I failed as a class adviser– incompetent and ineffective because I wasn’t able to convince my students to go to school.  I failed in so many ways, that I feel so helpless.

As of the moment, I am experiencing depression.   Most of the time I weep just to let out what I have inside.  Only time can tell when I will be able to believe in myself again that I am indeed still worthy of being loved.

Aside from this emotional pain, here comes the never-ending paperworks, lessons and instructional materials that I need to prepare daily, and other issues that I have in mind, and with that, my health is still at stake.  I couldn’t afford to be hospitalized again 🙁

At this date, I am currently in my 10 years of teaching in a public school and I could say that I already have experienced enough.  I am just saddened in the realization that I have been ineffective and useless.  I have thought of filing an indefinite leave, but I think my depression won’t end there.  I just realized that teaching and being an adviser isn’t for me– and with this realization, my final decision is to resign this coming December 2019.

I failed as an educator, but it’s not too late to catch up with my shortcomings as a mother to my 3 kids.  While I can still travel, manage our family business and bond with the kids, I am choosing to be a full-time mom, business manager and blogger/vlogger/influencer.   I want to have a brand new start on 2020 that’s why I am starting off with a health and fitness routine with Anytime Fitness and will have my blog and YouTube channel relaunched on May 2020 in Ferra Hotel.

It’s just another story that we have to end and a new chapter to begin with after this nightmare.  So, this is Jasmine Dedomo, signing off as a public school teacher on December 2019.

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